Have you ever been stuck and can’t figure how to get out? Ever been at the same crossroad and keep taking the wrong turn? How about when you can’t figure where that chip on your shoulder is coming from?
I’ve been there, all three – over the same situation, over and over and over again. Fighting what I knew I had to do, what was going to set me free.
Today I learned a little more about forgiveness.
For the past few years there has been a certain someone I’ve been struggling to forgive. I’ve had my share of situations and circumstances that I have forgiven so I understand what it means to forgive.
Forgiveness is the willingness to let go of the person or circumstance that hurt you; to not necessarily forget or even to be friends with, but to have a desire to let go of any grudge, fear, bitterness.
Each time I’ve forgiven (or asked to be forgiven) I have had that desire to “let go.”
But this time, I was stuck.
I did not have that willingness, or even the desire.
I knew I should forgive but I just couldn’t get there.
How do I get that desire? That “want” to move forward? I was being coached with good advice, “Keep praying, keep seeking the Lord and He will prepare your heart.” Well tonight while sitting with a group of friends, I found myself gasping for air – like someone had cut off the valve to my oxygen tank while under water.
My hands started to tremble. My body slightly quivered. Then I heard as clear as day, “Share. Tell this group what’s on your mind.”
So I did.
But. I still didn’t feel any better. I was still stuck. Still trying to figure how to get to the point to want to forgive.
I have been here before several times. Wanting to forgive. What do I need to do to have that desire? What more do I need to learn?
Then I heard that voice in my head again, “Do it now. Forgive now. This opportunity will be lost…” I believe I heard God speaking to me and I didn’t know what would happen if I didn’t listen to this voice, if I would have another opportunity to forgive.
I’ve had several chances and let each one pass by. What if this was the last? What if I let this one pass by too and I became some bitter, angry old lady?
So, mid-sentence, I interrupted my friend and said I needed to take action – forgive. Now. Then asked them to share the moment with me in support.
I now know the final step of forgiveness.
I didn’t need the desire to forgive, I needed the willingness to obey.
“Forgive one another as Christ has forgiven you.” Through my tears I prayed “I forgive ___.”
I believed at that moment there was a release in my heart and in that room.
Here is what I learned.
The first step is to FORGIVE: to release my hurt and grudges to God. It’s a choice, period. A difficult choice, yes, but never-the-less, still a choice. Even as I write this I know I did not have the desire to forgive. Every other time I wanted to forgive, to let it go and move on. This time I actually felt resentment and hate… I knew I needed to get rid of this. So this time was a simple choice – to do the right thing. I didn’t need a feeling, just submission.
Then comes the ONGOING FORGIVING: the time in the future where I’m sure I will be reminded of my hurt which will follow with more prayer and turning to God – continuing to let go of each tiny hurt, each tiny reminder.
Then finally (hopefully sooner than later) I will feel that I have FORGIVEN: when these tiny hurts and reminders no longer exist. The time where I can think of this person and in my head hear only pleasant things.
So here I am. Feeling free.
It’s crazy, I know. But sometimes crazy is a good thing.
Republished and modified February 2020.
Originally written September 28, 2011.
