I’m a pretty particular woman who researches, waits, and tries to visualize before making a decision. Then when I’ve made the decision, I agonize.
This was my experience with my kitchen backsplash. I had to get the decision right because I could not go back, at least without a hefty cost. So there I was after the decision. After seeing my choice right in front of me every single day.
It took me a while to figure out what I wanted in my design and when I finally figured that out it took me a while to find the perfect tile to make that happen.
Unusually, without my internal debate, I was confident this tile was going to be absolutely perfect!
But it wasn’t.
The week that the tile was installed there were several other things going on in my life that were causing my emotions to go on an uproar.
Immediately after the tile was finished wiped clean and sparkling beautiful, the tile itself was absolutely gorgeous, but my heart sank because it did not have the “wow” design that I was expecting.
I did not love it. What was I going to do? Should I just accept it and learn to love it? Did I make a wrong choice? Or do I know myslef well enough to give myslef some time for adjustments? To trust myself and move on?
To some people this is not a big deal at all. To me it was of the utmost importance because it was one of the first things I see in the morning and one of the last at night. I wanted to feel wonderful in my space. But this off backsplash was staring at me saying you picked wrong, you picked wrong, ha ha, you picked the wrong!
How could I have picked the wrong tile? Oh my gosh. I suck. Everyone else thinks it’s beautiful and on its own it is. But I failed because it did not accomplish what I set out for it to accomplish. My family and friends all said that it did do exactly what I wanted it to accomplish – but I didn’t see it yet.
The past several months I’ve been learning about my personality – how I think, why I think. I’ve always had this tendency to make decisions based on my feelings then pushing them aside to analyze, to think, then back and forth I went. I call it the thinking/feeling war.
Listening to my gut, which many people are very in tune to, was something foreign to me. To listen to my gut was difficult because I have to set aside my feelings and my brain, and just go with that initial reaction.
Back to the tile. In my search to find the perfect tile when I finally found it I just knew. I knew it was going to be the right color, the right shade, the right look, the right size. I just knew it. I did not sample it or test it. I didn’t even tape it up on the wall to see if it was right. (Yes, that’s a thing.) I just called my tile guy, placed the order, and scheduled the installation.
That was that.
But! When it was done and I didn’t like it, I was terrified!
I listened to my gut! Was it wrong? Was I thinking about it too much that I thought it was my gut? How did I go wrong?
I know it’s a just a backsplash. There was something deeper behind.
A few days later a dear friend asked me, “Is it possible, Jennifer, that the reason that you don’t love your backsplash is because you can’t accept the fact that you made a great decision? that you did do something wonderful?Do you believe you’re worth celebrating? that you made a right choice that you did exactly what you wanted to do? that you succeeded?
What was I afraid of?
I was afraid of success.
Oh. My. Gosh! Afraid of success!
She went on to ask, “Is it possible, Jennifer, that you look for something to demise your success. Are you keeping yourself from appreciating what you did accomplish? Did I create the failure because I wasn’t able to believe in me?
Thinking on the backsplash, possibly yes. Thinking in my whole life, absolutely yes.
What a shift in thinking.
Ironically just a week before that another friend called me out on the very same thing. Different topic but same fear of success.
This fear has holding me back. Am I good enough? What if I can’t handle it? What if….??
The backsplash wasn’t about loving the backsplash. It was about accepting myself.
Nevertheless, I still wanted to love my choice, my new backsplash.
The next morning… Still no luck for the backsplash. A great like yes. But no love. My tile guy was on his way over for the final job inspection. He had texted me a day earlier asking me what I think of the tile. My response was “it definitely makes a difference”. After answering the door he said to me, I knew something was up by your response let’s take a look at it.
He first walked into the room and went, “Wow. I love it. It’s amazing! It does exactly what you wanted it to do. It brings out that sparkle in your countertop. It blends well with your cabinets. It makes your accessories pop. Jennifer, you have created a classic look. It’s beautiful.”
But Bob, I replied, “I respect what you think and if you think that I have accomplished what I set out to do you’re the expert in the industry I should trust you and believe you, but I’m still struggling. There’s this other tile I was contemplating, and now I think I should’ve gone with that tile.” I brought it out and showed him.
He said it would have beautiful and it would’ve blended and complemented the counter top. But what I chose adds something extra. It adds light and reflection. It adds depth that you wouldn’t have gotten with that other tile.
As I muddled over his praise, he stayed a while longer and we chatted about life for a while. As he was leaving he said to me was, “We always talk design… but what I really appreciate is that you always speak life into me. I’m gonna leave today remembering that.”
As I closed the door and walked back inside toward the kitchen I stopped dead in my tracks.
I realize that if I would’ve gone with the other tile it would have been beautiful but it would’ve been safe and simple. The tile that I ended up with was exactly what I intended although it took me some time to realize.
My kitchen backsplash reminds me of light and life. It reminds me of who I am. I am a big thinker, innovator, a dreamer, a creator. My kitchen is unique and stunning and classic all at the same time. It is 100% me.
I love it.
