After reading countless articles, blogs, surveys, medical research, professional opinions, you name it, I have discovered the truth about the difference why men versus women cheat.
The answer? It varies.
Original findings from the past years state the reason men cheat is they want (more, better, different) sex, while women want connection and intimacy.
Today this difference is closing. It is not because the former is untrue. It is because women are speaking up about sex. Ladies, let’s not kid ourselves. We like it too. We need it too.
Sex is not just for men.
Understanding the reasons for cheating doesn’t make the action okay, but at least it will help us better understand the “why” behind the action. Understanding the why is one leap closer to healing.
Let’s take a deeper look at some of these “whys”, past and present.
Men express their love in a more physical way — they often don’t have the perfect “feeling words” for their wives. So sex becomes an important path to connection and intimacy. If men aren’t sexually satisfied (for instance, if their spouse declines sex often), they take that rejection to heart, and it can easily translate to feeling “unloved.” In fact, men are more likely than women to cheat due to a feeling of insecurity.
When women cheat, they’re often trying to fill an emotional void. Women frequently complain of disconnection from a spouse, and of the wish to be desired and cherished. Women are more likely to feel unappreciated or ignored, and seek the emotional intimacy of an extramarital relationship.
Causes and Risks of Why Married People Cheat, Very Well Mind, November 26, 2019.
There are many reasons men and women cheat. Loneliness plays a role, as does boredom and alcohol. Maybe a close relationship with a colleague goes too far during a long night at the office. Or an unexpected fling occurs on a vacation with friends. Maybe, it’s a longer-running affair where a spouse turns to infidelity to fill a physical or emotional void left unfilled by their spouses. The root causes of cheating are varied, but infidelity is common. And it’s not just men who are unfaithful. Women cheat on their husbands more than we think.
The concept of a cheating wife contrasts a lot of what our culture tells us about women. “We want to think of women as not particularly sexual unless they’re deeply in love or they’re married or in some monogamous relationship of some kind. We just don’t want to think that women are just as sexual and just as interested in having sex.“
The Reasons Married Women Cheat on Their Husbands, Fatherly, July 20, 2020.
In many ways, cheating is less about gender and more about the couple’s feelings for one another. “The best way to look at infidelity isn’t male versus female, but it’s really to look at the relationship,” says Tim Cole, professor at DePaul University and author of Broken Trust: Overcoming An Intimate Betrayal.
According to recent data gathered from the General Social Survey, infidelity amongst women increased by 40% in the last 20 years, while male infidelity rates remained steady, despite the number of cheating men still being higher than the number of cheating women.
According to researchers, the main reason people cheat is sexual dissatisfaction.
Infidelity Statistics (2020) – Do Men Or Women Cheat More?, HerNorm, 2020.
Several surveys also investigated what are the main causes of cheating. The reasons are very different between men and women, with 44% of men declaring they have been cheating on their partner because they wanted more sex. Another 40% of men cheated because they were looking for more sexual variety.
In other words, men are more likely to cheat because they are not sexually satisfied in their current relationship.
Women, on the other hand, are often looking for more emotional attention, with 40% of the respondents claiming this as their reason for cheating.
Another 33% declared cheating on their partner to find out if they were still desirable, while 11% of the interviewed women cheated as a form of revenge.
Infidelity Statistics (2020) – Do Men Or Women Cheat More?, HerNorm, 2020.
Why men have cheated:
“For the first time, women were hitting on me.”
“It was a lack of effort and too much old programming that led to me to believe… I could not have the sex, love, and affection I wanted with my wife.”
“The excitement I got from the chase leading up to the cheat and the opportunity to do something in bed that my girlfriend objected to.”
“We had some issues in our relationship that had been slowly pushing us apart.”
Why women have cheated:
“I didn’t know how to process the feelings of isolation in my relationship.”
“I felt dissatisfied with the romance/sex in the relationship, even if it was a stable and loving one.”
“I didn’t know I could talk to my partner…”
“We stopped being physically intimate.”
What Causes Infidelity? 11 Men and Women on Why They Cheated, Glamour, January 8, 2019.
There you have it. Sexual desire AND emotional attention are reasons for both men and women!
If you’ve found yourself in the middle of an affair – or contemplating your marriage – you might be asking yourself which category you fall in.
In my case, it was both. I’m an intimate creative woman and I also enjoy sex.
At a youthful age I enjoyed the wonders and mystery of sex. I also craved being wanted, being loved for who I am.
As an older woman, if you think almost 45 is old, both still remain true. I appreciate the emotional connection and the curiosity and power of sex with my husband. Yes, with my husband. For years I underrated my need for sex. Not just the physical effects, but the way it bonds two people together. My husband is the one I want to bond with emotionally and physically. Take one or the other away – in my case, both were lacking – and this leads to disaster.
Looking back, and now moving forward, it is a priority for my husband and I to focus on both our sex life, keeping it passionate and fun, and our emotional intimacy, keeping it alive and connected. Both feed into each other, creating a balanced bond.
After a few years post affair, my husband and I aren’t exactly where we want to be yet, but we’re together and better than ever. The commitment to work together, for each other, for our family, for our future, is worth every step.
Our joy and love are deeper because we’re growing, struggling, and learning together. We keep our communication open. We’re honest when one of our tanks is low. When we feel like we’re out of control, we turn to our Heavenly Father who was kind and gentle with us in the first place. He knows what we want, let alone what we need, and when we seek him, he will fill them.
“Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4 NIV
Want to know more? Check out “Four Life Buckets And What To Do When One Is Empty”.
